Wednesday, July 30, 2008

An Emotionally Raw Day

Yesterday was a very weird day for me. It seemed as though I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve - good ones and bad ones. All day long my heart was heavy with decisions I have made that are good, but are potentially hurtful. No matter what I was doing, that was on my mind and several times yesterday I had to fight back tears.

At the same time, talking with a friend and recounting a blessing from over the weekend nearly brought me to tears as well. Then I went home and realizing how much I'm loved by my wife and kids was an overwhelming feeling. Luke, our two year old, gave me a huge hug and a full on the mouth wet kiss. Again, nearly crying in front of my boys (hard to explain to them).

Life is weird, isn't it. A day can be filled with such ups and downs. I'm amazingly unstable (I think we all are). I'm learning more and more how to really be in those moments - how to really feel grief and sorrow when its appropriate. I'm glad, in a way, that the hard decisions I am working through are hard. I'm glad they effect me and that my heart is open to the hurt I could cause. I don't enjoy it, but I'm glad for it. I'm also glad that opening myself up to the hurt and grief also opens me up to greater experiences of joy and comfort. And I'm really glad God sends a mixture of both into our lives.

Yesterday was one of the most prayerful and worshipful days I've had in a while, and it was also exhausting. I wanted to write about it last night, but I was too tired. I fell asleep on the couch and finally moved up to bed with my wife around 1am. I woke up this morning more ready for a the day, more excited for the day, and more rested than I have in months. Life really is weird.

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